Writing

To write, to be a writer, I have to trust and believe in myself as a speaker as a voice for the images. I have to believe that I can communicate with images and words and that I can do it well. A lack of belief in my creative self is a lack of belief in my total self and vice versa -- I cannot seperate my writing from any part of my life. It is all one. When I write it feels like I'm carving bone. It feels lke I'm creating my own face, my heart - a Nahuátl concept. My soul makes itself through the creative act. It is constantly remaking and giving birth to itself through my body. It is learing to live with la Coatlicue that transforms living the Borderlands from a nightmare into a numinous experience. It is always a path and stat to something else.
Thlilli, Tlapalli

She writes while other people sleep. Something is trying to come out. She fights the owrds pushes them down, down, a woman with morning sickness in the middle of the night. How much easier it would be to carry a baby for nine months and the expel it permanently. Theses continueous multiple pregnancies are going to kill her.
Xóchitl in Cuícatl is Nahuátl for flowers and song, flor y canto

IMMERSE PRACTISE
JUST WRITE!!!

The Intern

The more I think of it the more I think it's a tremendous idea
I love the idea of having a place I want to go everyday
I want the connection, the excitement, I want to be challenged, even needed.
I'm loyal, trustworthy and good in a crisis. 

This is what I took away from the Intern.

I also got inspired to create, to get to know myself a bit better.
Dress better, be more as my role models - my grandma and my ma'.
Relax, be calm - do the right thing.
Be present and show them your stunning you.
Bill Nighy, Diane Keaton, Coco Chanel, Dorothy Parker, Ben Whittaker.

Simple questions, listen and sometimes just repeat what they say and then they figure things out.
Develop to the elegant woman you are.
Take care now.
Stay classy, stay strong, be nice.

Weekday Friend

Have you noticed when your friends get partners you suddenly became downgraded to weekday friend? These days you're not prioritised as a person you can spend time with on the weekends you're only suitable for weekdays, whenever you'll fit into their busy schedule.

It's a pattern I've noticed and it's not that I don't think they deserve partnership and love, but what about the partnership we shared? The love between us friends?

There are some friends who balance their time well between partners and friends, not everyone's like this, it's just something I've noticed lately.

So what do you do? Well, I see it as when it comes to what really matters, are you there for me when it counts? Well, then we can be friends. But are you there for me only when it's an okay time for you? Then fuck off!

"Sometimes the world needs to be jollied"

- Miranda

who am I?

I think Jackie Chan said it best. Or was it Counting Crows?
I've been going through some thoughts in my head and yet I haven't come to a conclusion yet. I've been having these thoughts ever since I was little, and I still haven't come up with any good answer. I saw Irrational Man today and I started thinking about teaching. It didn't help that I was with a friend who's a teacher and the question if I wanted to teach art has come up several times. I'd love being Robin Williams or Julia Roberts teaching young minds, inspiring them to do what they love, teaching something I love - how funny that a Woody Allen movie brought those feelings. Perhaps because I have a romanticizing image of the University. Even though I studied at several Unis I haven't experienced any romanticism. I'm still living in the dream of going to a boarding school wearing uniforms and all that. So I've looked up some masters and the goal would then be to start doing research, my PhD. A lot of thoughts.

Then there's the personality. I think a lot of people see me as a very joyful and enthusiastic person, who jumps around like a rubber ball. Yes, I'm usually very happy on the outside, but there's a very flat and squary part of me that I usually don't let out. I think I need to be more serious at work in order for people to see me as a authority. So far I got the respect of my colleagues from being sweet, nice and hardworking. But it doesn't hurt that I show my more intelligent, creative and serious side. Oh well, let's see what happends.

For the wedding...

From Asos

From Asos

Also from Asos

My mum called these clowns - no, I don't paint clowns anymore

update: mum thinks the one to the right is a monkey...

Sushi weekend

All I did this weekend was eating sushi.
Everyday.
Friday.
Saturday.
Sunday.

To make each day count.

If I could chose...

...I would be an college student double majoring in psycholgy and art. I would live on campus with myy 3 besties worshiping k-pop idols, eating dumplings and ramen for breakfast.
I would save up to buy a car but use my bike to go around in the neighbourhood.

Can't I do that now?
No, because 1) I'm not American. 2) I'm hella old. 3) yes, technically I could try to do some of it. Not the campus thing, but I could start studying again, and move in with people. I already like kpop and eat ramen. But no, I wouldn't want to go back to the Uni again. I'd wish to be born again and next life I could do that. I should probably convert from atheist to hinduism.

Step 2

What to wear?
Well, I've always seen myself as a pretty androgynous slender tomboy.
The reality is another thing.
I'd like to think that I'm a petit Asian woman.
I'm not.
I guess you would call my style, preppy colours with pants.
Yes, I don't skirts. Nor heels.
I wear a lot of shirts, cardigans, pants in different colours.

But usually (when I work) I like to slack off. Because what's the point when you go to work, then you're in a suit for the next 12 hours before you go back home. You barely need to change out of your pajama pants.

Today I'm wearing my new black pants, paisley shirt and a striped sweater. I look fabulous!

Step 1

I did my make up.
Yes, ladies and gents. I usually do, but I'm always debating whether I should use more or less.
Usually the less part wins.
Today I used pouder.
It make a bit of a difference.
I got peach skin.

I feel like a little peach.
I feel great!

I'm tired of living in my dream world. Every night, every dull moment I wander off in fantasy land where I'm the person I want to be. I do stuff that I want to do. I'm living the life I want to have.
Enough of that!
From now on I will take it out to my real life. I'm tired of living in waiting for something to happen.

I just want to be happy.

Virtual Diary

Hello, lovelies.
I sat down and thought about my life. At this moment in my life I should be having the time of my life. Do I?
I don't know.
Therefore I'm going to post here daily with things that makes each day count. Yes, the Titanic line is so cheesy and corny and lame and stupid. But I can't come up with anything else less cliché, anyone?

This will be pretty hard. But I do love a challenge. and I will fail, but I'm deathly optimistic.

Grey Day

Withdrawl - I quit, sorta.

I'm giving this a try. So far so good. I haven't smoked for 4 days, going on 5.
I checked online what kind of withdrawl symntoms I would get.
Dizziness - check! Can't even lie down straight.
Constipation - nope, more like the opposite.
Fatigue - Yes. I'm very tired.
Insomnia - Yeah, kinda, but not really.
Cough - not yet.
Hunger - I guess? I'm always hungry.
Sweet tooth - hello? yes.
Irritable - a bit.
Desire to smoke - YES.
Headache - not yet.